I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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