Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
