I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
