my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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