I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
