Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
