Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I wear drunk well.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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