i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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