Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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