I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
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