My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
