Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
