I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
