You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
