i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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