Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
