Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
what is it with giant penises always finding me
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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