so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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