I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
