You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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