Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
