I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
should my penis look like a turkey
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
