I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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