One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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