Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
