Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
