I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
