um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
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