I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
