I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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