I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
