Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Randomize
