I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
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