I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
sarcasm needs its own font
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
