I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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