There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
There's always time for handjobs
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
