just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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