I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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