It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
