Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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