yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
