$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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