We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
