Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
