I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
