I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
