I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
