My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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