Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
