i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
There's always time for handjobs
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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